Profile for Helena
Profile for Helena
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Blog entries submitted by Helena
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A Few tips for the new President
I was rather hoping that Nicolas Sarkozy might appoint a Brit to his new cabinet. It is true that his Prime Minister, Francois Fillon, is married to a woman born in Wales, speaks English and has even passed several days as a fly on the wall observer in Downing Street to absorb Anglo-Saxon attitudes...
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A Good Walk Spoiled by Rules...
There are at least two places you will find snails on a French golf course. One is in the restaurant, where they will be marinated in garlic and served hot. The other is on giant posters on the golf course, encouraging people to play faster.
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A Plot to Overthrow the Village Mayor
An hour is a long time in French politics. Two hours feels like for ever, but that’s the total length of time I have been in the business. My husband says the only reason to become a politician in France is so you can get your hands on Carla Bruni, but I have loftier aims...
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A chilly welcome
George Bernard Shaw once said that “It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate or despise him”. In France he doesn’t even need to open his mouth. Forget the French demonstrating in Brittany. The coldest welcome when you move to France will be from the Englishman next door, who will hate you on sight.
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A worm at one end and a worm at the other
Pity poor Sting. Half a mile from his 17th century manor house in Wiltshire a small wooden fishing hut has been erected without planning permission. The singer is not so much dancing on the moon as hopping mad. He should never think about buying a place in France. For here in France people can put up huts as and when it suits them...
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About the book - More More France Please!
This is the book I wish I could have read before I moved to France. I hardly knew the country at all, and knew nothing of how to live there. I was carried away by the whole adventure of it. Going to a new place, a strange language, a different culture.
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Am I English or French?
I recently read an article about a woman called Louise Clarke who woke up one morning convinced she was French. She started speaking French all the time and demanding croissants. To us it might sound quite amusing and also a rather convenient way to learn French, but Ms Clarke says it was no laughing matter...
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Back to School
I have just survived the most trying month of the year in France. September is not all balmy evenings and rosé wine...
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Beating the bureaucrats
Reports reach me that Brits living in France have been involved in large-scale defrauding of the benefits system. In a £500,000 benefits fraud case in the Dordogne, more than a third of the alleged culprits were said to be Brits. We need to locate these rascals immediately.
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Best of French Coast – The North
Although our house is thirty minutes from the Mediterranean coast I actually prefer the Atlantic. It might not be as warm but what it lacks in climate it makes up for in views, diversity and the sea pounding against the rocks.
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Best of the French coast – the South
The French coast runs for some 5,500 kilometres. The landscape is incredibly varied; there are the sandy beaches of the Languedoc, the rocky shores of Normandy and Brittany, the cliffs of the Riviera and the marshes of the Camargue.
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Brit Free Zones
One of the most frequent complaints I hear from Brits living in France is they didn’t move here to hang out with other Brits. It really annoys me. I know we all came to France to enjoy a French lifestyle, but why should this suddenly mean running a hundred yards in the opposite direction should you spot a compatriot?
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Brits in Business
When Olivier Lesault went to the Béziers Chamber of Commerce recently to register his new air conditioning business, he was amazed to find that the common language was English. "Every artisan there was British,” he says. “There were plumbers, welders, builders and carpenters, I couldn't believe it."
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Brits in France
If you’re thinking of buying a property in France you’re probably worrying about how to deal with the French bureaucracy, the language and even the French themselves. But all these pale in comparison when treading the dangerous path of dealing with the Brits already installed here.
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Can Sarko change the French?
I dread Tuesdays. It is the day that my daughter Olivia comes home from school with a poem that she has to learn off by heart. She normally has until Friday to get it right and so for the following days the poem is with us wherever we go. She recites it in the car, at breakfast, at the playground. By Friday her younger siblings can recite it, even the cat purrs along.
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Cellulite
I am on a beach in Corsica looking at a French woman’s bottom. It is pert, round and rather tanned. At the risk of being arrested I go a little closer. What I’m trying to discover is whether or not French women have cellulite...
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Clinging on to Blighty
If you drive towards the Mediterranean coast from my house on a Tuesday evening, you will see a curious sight among the vineyards: people dressed in whites, playing cricket.
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Contre Services
The shocking news from France this month is that female students are paying for their accommodation through contre services or barter. This normally means sex...
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Denise Epstein
Not many of us can name a day when our lives change forever, but for Denise Epstein there’s an exact date. It remains a vivid and painful memory, etched on her mind like a tattoo...
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French Anorexia Law
I am about to interview Valérie Boyer, the Marseille deputy who is responsible for bringing an anti-anorexia law in France. I am debating whether or not to have a shortbread biscuit with my cup of tea before she phones...
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French Wedding Bells
It isn’t until the priest begins to speak that I remember I am in France.
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French seduction tips
In the small town near my house to in southern France (population 7464) there are 19 hairdressers, five beauticians and four lingerie shops. This should tell you something about French female priorities.
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French snobbism and regions
France is more class ridden than Britain, and where you end up buying says a lot about who you are.
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Heaven knows they’re misérables now
Are meddlesome bureaucrats sapping France's famous joie de vivre?
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It's a tough life in France
In my last column I argued that the only way to save France was to get some Brits in charge. This produced an extraordinary mailbag...
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Justice in France
I am finally able to compare the criminal justice systems of England and France, having been in police custody in both. The first time was in England almost 20 years ago. The latest, in France.
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Love and Fidelity in France
Jimmy Goldsmith famously said that when you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy. French president Nicolas Sarkozy is finding it works the other way round...
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More More France Please! - A taste, Chapter One
I had never thought about living in France until my husband came back from a press trip to Thailand. Before he had unpacked the suitcases, he told me we were moving there. I ignored him.
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Private schools in France?
My stepson Hugo will be 13 next year and has been offered a place at Eton. There are two reasons why he may not be going. One, it costs a fortune. Two, almost more crucially, his chances of getting into university afterwards may be diminished if he goes to a public school, however illustrious its history.
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Quelle surprise! I was the thinnest woman in the village
Our house in France is close to a beautiful medieval town called Pézenas. One of the best things about it, apart from its cobbled streets and stunning architecture, was that there was no McDonald's. Then to my horror, one day it was there in all its multicoloured garishness.
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Resistance was futile
“Don’t sell our children’s heritage” reads the banner behind me. Much to my amazement I am seated in the place of honour, next to the Colonel, on the high table at the pre-election political rally on behalf of the resistance...
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Selling Almonds
It is 7.30 in the morning and I am in the courtyard of the Mayor’s office in Pezenas. No, I’m not in trouble with the authorities again, but am here to sell fresh almonds.
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The Dordogne is back!
Thirty years after the English first discovered its rolling hills and beautiful houses, the region is once again in fashion. It is hardly surprising the English love it: it looks just like home, English is spoken almost everywhere, there is more sunshine and properties are a third of the price...
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The English Club
Some people say they move to France because it is like England was 50 years ago. If you want somewhere that is like England 100 years ago, then you should move to Pau and join the English Club...
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The French and Multi-Culturalism
I've been thinking a lot about Marie Antoinette recently. There's a nice new film about her and I like the costumes. But I also think I am beginning to understand why the French were so keen to get rid of her. She had a reputation for arrogance and her catchphrase of 'let them eat cake' was hardly going to win her favours with the proletariat...
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The Sarko Show
There is slightly more spring in the short step of Nicolas Sarkozy on the eve of Christmas. The latest episode in what is known in France as the “Sarko Show” has captivated the nation...
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The lost manuscripts of Irène Némirovsky
Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky is a vivid and compelling lost masterpiece set in wartime France, now a best seller worldwide. Helena talks to the daughter of the author about her escape with the manuscript and her sister in 1942.
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The secret of a long life
News reaches me that many of us are going to live to be 100. According to experts there could be 1.2 million centenarians in Britain by 2074.
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The snails are off
National stereotypes die hard. Despite France’s poor showing in a recent list of the world’s top 10 restaurants, only one against the Britain’s four, the French still view England as a place with appalling weather and even worse sustenance.
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Tu n’as pas le droit
In my next life I do not want to come back as a French dog. It seems to me that unless you are a Parisian poodle, your life is going to consist of mainly being tied up in some yard or put in a cage and expected to bark for hours on end...
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Wanadoo but can’t
It’s a funny thing about communication companies, but whenever you want to get hold of somebody, there’s nobody to talk to. Just recently I’ve been very keen to get hold of somebody at France Telecom. And shake them. Then strangle them, slowly.
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When your kids love Napoleon
What is the best football team in the world and was Napoleon a good bloke? The children dutifully reply “Chelsea” and “no”. But I wonder if one day my husband will find himself choking on his soldiers as they nominate Marseille and start reeling off Napoleonic victories.
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Where to Buy in France
Can anything put a Brit off property in France? You might think a strong euro would do the trick, but while new developments in Spain are collapsing on a daily basis, investors in French property are seeing no such disasters. If anything the market is buzzing...
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Why France isn’t working
“There’s no school tomorrow,” my six year old daughter told me the other day. “We’ve got a grève.” Grève, or strike, is one of the first words you learn when you move to France.
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You can trust the English - can't you?
When the technician showed up this week to fix my television and install the satellite for my broadband internet I was relieved for two reasons. One I don’t ever want to go through the trauma of my husband missing England versus France in the Six Nations, as well as a Chelsea cup game in the same day. Second, the technician was English.
